I have never properly introduced Maggie on the blog, mostly because we haven't updated it for over a year. I don't intend to do so now, I figure it's been four months, so to go back and retell our story will take awhile. You can look at pictures, and perhaps imagine the roller coaster our life has been on the last year. My purpose in posting today is to get back into the swing of blogging, and to share a moment of clarity I enjoyed last night after a very long and trying day.
Because she is four months old, Maggie had her 4 month appointment and shots on Wednesday. Initially, she did well with the shots, but I decided to take Thursday off as a precaution because I wasn't sure that this honeymoon period would last. I was smart to do so, because she was he crabbiest she has ever been. It was an endless cycle of fussy, sleeping, happy, fussy, sleeping, eating, fussy. When Steve got home at 4:30, I was exhausted and stir crazy all at the same time. I had been dying to get out of the house all day, but given the way Maggie was acting, that didn't happen. So when Steve got home we went out for a walk. We all enjoyed the 45 minutes, but as soon as we got home the cycle of fussiness started all over again. It progressively got worse, and she decided to take sleep out of the equation. We alternated who would take her, each hoping the other could calm her, but no dice.
This day made me doubt my ability as a mom. I felt so disconnected from my sweet baby, because no matter what I did, I was not helping her. I rarely have entire days with my daughter because I work part time. The fact that I couldn't help her, combined with the concern that she was getting too used to being without me, made me frustrated, angry and exhausted. Around 8:00, her crying got worse, and I took her from Steve. I bounced and rocked her as she cried in my arms. I looked out the window, and after a few minutes, I realized she and Steve had both fallen asleep. I took the chair by the window, and enjoyed the silence. As this happened I was completely overcome. I felt that connection I was convinced I had lost, strengthen. I was inspired at that moment that it didn't matter if I worked, or didn't, I am the only mother for Maggie. Soon after this, Steve woke up and said "you are the best mother Maggie could have." The only explanation for this is that The Lord was keenly aware of my needs, and when all was still, I could finally recognize it.
I love being a mom.